Stupid
(I’m moving blogs to the new site.)
I have been stupid to say I didn’t like engineering. I was wrong. I didn’t like it. I heart it, especially the first two years, when all I have to do is to get my head round calculus and differential equations. I have a proof to show. I perfected earning perfect grades for all my engineering mathematic subjects, except (not surprising, I was in third year when I took this) statistics and (very surprisingly, I was in the first year when I took this) algebra.
My heart-ing was ebbing when I reached my third year. Staring at tangled wires and small black chips and transistors, I started to wonder if this is really it that I wanted to do. I did not let this get the better of me. If I did, I would have dropped out that time, my family being in a really messy financial position (we did not and do not have a position to speak of). The scholarship grant was the only reason why I’m in school, not out of it. If I did, and followed my heart early on, I would have a happier heart now but without a diploma.
So a choice has to be made. Like the good son of God and man that I am, I resented poverty silently. I studied as hard as my classmates who were aiming for honors. The motivation was not inside though. It was motivation derived from outside. I relished each time I get better scores than those people who have desired to be engineers all their life. It was a vengeful, jealous drive to excel. It was hate-filled, angst-riddled.
I am a hypocrite to say I was not happy to have graduated with an engineering degree. But not because I can at last work in the profession, but more of a triumph of myself against myself. I choose to live and make the most out of what God has thrown along my way. He has thrown a poor family and a scholarship, I took them and came out of it at the top of the situation. Pass that tissue, please.
If he has thrown me a poor family, mouths to feed, and brothers to send to school, I would have took them and came out of it an engineer.
He has thrown me a poor family, mouths to feed, brothers to send to school, and a sickness that tainted my health certificate, I took them and came out of it an English teacher.
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